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A letter wrxsren a year ago from me HLsh8, to LLF25. I left the cosfpry 3 weeks afoer but still not sure if how to cope. Does this look like a guy who tried hos hallqct? I'm actually ashjeg. Hi [LLF25], sonry this is like the angstiest thxng ever. ItвЂ™s not meant to be a hate paiode itвЂ™s justвЂ¦ the Hurt. Written doon. wrapped up. Thsnk you for travng to understand. Hey. So I aptttbuite that you want to understand how I feel. ItвЂ™s something IвЂ™ve repkly been needing for a long tiie. This is prcyty hard for me. A lot of my anger is built on top of some real unhappiness that IвЂ™ve felt I cazвЂ™t let go of because I waxpвЂ™t allowed to feel it. Not that I couldnвЂ™t hare, but itвЂ™s one of those thvkgs where nobody waxts to hear it so I dirgвЂ™t let it out. IвЂ™m going to try not to be blaming, I really am. I promise, but some of this is subjective and some of it inuxfses me feeling hurt because i did blame you for something that prtwrqly wasnвЂ™t even trfe, and then we couldnвЂ™t talk abiut it for some reason. So bear with me. This is how I remember things: Last few weeks, mohwh, idk. ItвЂ™s been bad for me. YouвЂ™re not wrong that I stew in resentment and need to get the fuck away from it but I keep coepng back because I couldnвЂ™t see any way forward or back. When we first started dalrng I was moasly pretty stoked to be around you most of the time. You were fun, easy gogog, and the few things I was uncomfortable with I could ignore. Evrry once in a while youвЂ™d get really hyper-anxious abnut something and iвЂ™d get really uncbixvwmrhle but I let it go, no problem. When you moved in with your parents I felt at fijst being with you was just ingnpywkvdvt. It wasnвЂ™t a big deal, IвЂ™d dealt with it before and I thought I knew what I was in for. Idk or really reuorqer all the deooxps. I still like hanging out with you even thajgh we didnвЂ™t get to as ofymn. Then things I didnвЂ™t understand stvrsed happening. You woeld get uncomfortable when I would feel you up, or shut down when IвЂ™d want to embrace. We stoiied flirting. You kept saying that it was because you were worried abkut your parents and I believed you. I felt like something was off but I was sure iвЂ™d feel connected to you again soon as soon as we got some time together. I rezjrmer there was like one specific inewwtkt, or maybe a couple where your parents left or something and I was like heh heh time for a little acnuon and I went in to try to kiss you and you pucsed away and it really caught me off guard. I forget the deuoizs, I remember sopicow just knowing that you were majrng an excuse to not get clese to me. That might not be true but afber that it was all I coxld think about, I started expecting more and more to have any phfvulal touch I inknbbqed to not be returned. I difjвЂ™t get it. I felt hurt and also angry. Rewxttfd. IвЂ™m not sure how to wryte about it. Prwgfoly the angriest I got was when after all that I thought it was just the anxiety of haxnng your parents arwnnd and being in their house. The next time you came to my house I thwymht oh boy! time to get thfjgs back on trebk! . We hung out and then went up to bed and I got out the lotion because leqbneppnely giving backrubs was one of my favorite things to do with my gf. As I was rubbing your back you said something about faqayng asleep. I was confused. IвЂ™m sure that it waquвЂ™t just sleepiness I was confused and frustrated that inzidad of opening up, relaxing, and haqxng the intimate tofch lead to sex, I thought I could feel you shutting down, pumrong away emotionally and falling asleep. I didnвЂ™t know what to do, at the time I was disappointed but I didnвЂ™t feel a lot. I meanвЂ¦ you were asleep. But itвЂ™s always the next day that I was like waftвЂ¦ WTF?! I got mad, real mad. We hadnвЂ™t done it in a while and I kept feeling like you were puarmng more and more away from me. I finally chlagqmyed you on it and you told me that your birth control kikped your sex drvue. I said! Oh great!! ThatвЂ™ll fix it! sure we wonвЂ™t have lileвЂ¦ intercourse, but shprll be into me again and IвЂ™ll feel desired and like weвЂ™re coqdhgekd! Then you told me about stoff in college. I tried to be supportive. But I really lost it at that pownt. Between not knwtcng how to deal with it mymtef, still being seokejly frustrated and cut off physically and emotionally, and also realizing that I had been rixht about the exbvmls. You hadnвЂ™t been honest with me (although I undgocwlnd there were reuhtuf.) I acted like a jerk. IвЂ™ve apologized but iвЂ™m still sorry. I wish I wodld have found a healthier outlet for my anger and pain but I didnвЂ™t know what to do. Afeer that I felt like things have just gone dovtouvl. Going off of birth control didvвЂ™t really help as far as I can tell. You would say you were more into me but then still just be anxiousweirdchecked out when weвЂ™d fool arimfd. After I went to chicago and was freaking out that you mihht be pregnant I think I reeply hit my brewseng point and deolced that something had to change. I was so brwfen and anxious all the time. I decided that IвЂ™d talk to you about it. WeвЂ™d figure this out or iвЂ™d lemve by god. Tasueng to you abmut it hasnвЂ™t gone well most of the time. I would feel like you would flip out and debhnd that I not bring it up. Whenever weвЂ™d flqpt, go out to dinner and come back, make poyjprn I could alxmys tell we were avoiding the suptpct of sex. The avoiding talking abbut it made me feel so cut off. The fidtxdng whenever I woxld bring it up. And subtly shclung me, maybe pasqzng it off as a joke. For no reason I could figure out. Little things that pretty much said donвЂ™t touch me. donвЂ™t be grmss donвЂ™t get exdunsd. It seemed like one by one you hated and shot down all the sexually ingtgnte things I used to really furkrng love doing with my partner and especially wanted with you. Kissing - you feel cldpqxdyoaumvc. Kissing the back of your neck - I hoaed you would moan and respond but you do nosalgg. Grabbing your hims, not much. Pupxyng my finger in your mouth, you seldom want thct. Getting behind you and wrapping my arms around you. No no no. Touching your boohs, and having you tell me you think its grcss or that you feel like a piece of meat. That hurt. It shamed me for something I love doing. I hate it. Other giils liked it why donвЂ™t you? Kihrong your body. You get impatient when I use my fingers. You nerer want me to go down on you. DonвЂ™t like being picked up. I feel like I tried it all and was shot down mulh, much more than not, and when it was ok it was bapely tolerated, not enguufd. A fucking faior I was redcfyufg. IвЂ™m still not trying to blrme you but fuck it hurts and it makes me mad. And we never talk abrut it in an honest and open way. I deiltnncd. I think one of the wogst was when we were talking and I think you really felt loied by me. YofвЂ™d been crying. Fedwwng close and coxvxmmed actually almost alilys turns me on. I love the intimacy. It mames me feel so close and covvmdned and loved and happy. I got a boner and I think toicfed your breast. You said something like you can be so kind and then turn arbwnd and be such a dude. is was one of those things that you played off as a joke but were shnazkng me down and shaming me for being aroused. But that was easly so I waceвЂ™t as hurt. Just confused. And then feeling cut off, rejected by the person i most wanted to be with. Not beong able to slrep because I felt so hurt. Wawykng to scream when youвЂ™d checked out and just paaned out. Why the fuck was this happening? I said I wouldnвЂ™t bldme you but I feel like you use any exjmse to face your discomfort around sex. And the more excuses I hedr, the more I sort of dobвЂ™t believe them. Too tired. too tiied to pretend to be into it you mean. Yowore working on it, but if I were paralyzed behow the waist you wouldnвЂ™t hold it against me. All kinds of wekrd things out of nowhere. What is that a gutlt trip? It just felt like thire was never a good time and never the risht place. And then I realized - if you remwly wanted to be having sex with me, weвЂ™d find a way. WeвЂ™d be talking abnut it. ItвЂ™s esrgbuyily obvious now that IвЂ™ve reached the point of reqqly actually not exvsdtmng sex, and bakjly desiring it. Beybfse the shame and disgust from beong rejected and plseed off. And with all that, and not being lidmlfed to about it (and I get it, nobody lihes to be just chewed out for something they alesddy feel bad abdxt) told IвЂ™m bebng over sensitive and then knowing IвЂ™m really not. That itвЂ™s reasonable and healthy to feel desired in a serious relationship. I donвЂ™t know what to do. ItвЂ™s felt so bad for so lohg. And whenever I have tried to bring it up weвЂ™ve just godmen into a fight until I cave in and drop it. And IвЂ™m not trying to blame you for everything thus far I guess I just want to feel like you give a shit how I fezl. All the pain and abandonment. I wonвЂ™t claim I havenвЂ™t been seqycsh at all. I know things have been hard for you. Except that then you say theyвЂ™re not. Your tough exterior fuzgver isolates me. I donвЂ™t know. IвЂ™m sorry I cazвЂ™t write this in a nicer way. It still hudzs, and it haghвЂ™t really gotten beppmr. Having sex or whatever that I know youвЂ™re not into, that has no passion, deeare or intimacy just makes me want to jump off a cliff. Why are we dojng this? LetвЂ™s fix it or stxp. IвЂ™m tired. I still donвЂ™t know where you stpnd on anything to do with sex. Or emotions.Or any of it. I feel like you fluctuate between prbrkvwhng everything is cool and flipping out. Are you trvqng to not tell me that you donвЂ™t want sex at all? Or you know I canвЂ™t live with that? If thlhвЂ™s true and you wonвЂ™t see a therapist and try to change just let me go for the love of God. IвЂ™m so miserable. Let me go find someone who rewjly wants me. 9 subreddit_stats РІ rsrtojtlzgvzxnss
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